Strengths...

So, for my freshmen foundations class, we have to take this... personality test online. It is supposed to determine what your top 5 strengths are.
My top 5 are:
Empathy
Adaptability
Developer
Positivity
Input

For those who really care, I only agree with the first two and possibly the last one.
The website gave this description:
Empathy: You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament—this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings—to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you. (If people are drawn to me, why am I lonely ALL the time?!)

I don't know. I have been in a crazy crappy mood this week. Hope it gets better by tomorrow. I actually have plans....

Mindless...

Love is mindless.

For a brief, shimmering moment you can actually think that something good will come of it. But then your mind falls out of your butt and pretty soon your heart will follow.
It is pointless and stupid and the most lethal emotion.
Love is anger and lust and jealousy and passion and forgetfulness and, the most evil of all, hope.
Love is a full syringe of evil straight to the heart.
Love is fine while it lasts but when it ends (and it will end) all that is left is regret.
Love isn't eternal, so if it sticks its foot out and you trip over it, make sure you fall hard.
Make sure that you scrape your knees and rub your hands raw.
Gotta make the most of every experience, right?
Because it is the greatest mistake.
So if you are smart, you will learn from that mistake.
Learn to not take a shot of evil straight to the bloodstream.

That evil thing can bring the strongest person to their knees, make them sob; with longing, with envy, with skepticism.
It can bury you in agony, make you scream with it, crush you with it.

Some feel like they can pull down the moon when they are in love.
Some feel as though they could move a mountain.
Others drown in their love. Drowning can be good or it can be bad.
It can move you to rescue yourself.
Or you can let it suck you down.
Its a choice that is difficult to make.

Personally, I would rather save myself than go down with the ship(heart).
I don't want to feel anymore.
I don't want to let myself hope and have them crash down on my head.

I want to be numb.
I want to not have to deal with this every single day.
I don't want to walk down the sidewalk and see hands held together with love and almost burst into tears, longing for something I can't find.
I don't want to be told that I am wrong, that I am only 19 and have the rest of my life ahead of me.
I know that I can't find it like I know that gravity is real.
I want to be mindless by choice, not by a feeling that could slip through my hands like water.

Conversations...

this conversation occured on facebook between me and Josiah...
thoughts...?

Megan Snyder
I had a lot of fun playing Apples to Apples, even though what I thought was funny really wasn't. :) I even asked my parents to get me the game for Christmas. We need to have breakout group stuff like that more often. It was a great game to get to know people by.

Josiah Schaefer
Yeah it is :) I'm glad you had fun. And don't worry, you were doing much better that I was, I only had two cards at the end. I'm actually terrible at the game haha.

Megan Snyder
I am not sure its about skill. Its just a fun game. Anyway, you were sappy. That is better than dead. :)

Josiah Schaefer
Ha yeah that's true. Anyway I will definitely make sure to schedule another event like that soon. Maybe we will just play Apples to Apples again.

Megan Snyder
I am perfectly fine with that! That was so much fun! :D

Megan Snyder
Why are you never on chat?!?! lol.

Josiah Schaefer
That is because I am not a big fan of chat ;) I prefer emails or talking in person, makes for higher quality interaction I think :)

Megan Snyder
Good point. ;)

Trees...

When you walk past a tree in the fall, you don't think 'oh, this could kill me.'
Do you?
You walk past and gaze at the crisp leaves that are sure to fall soon, bringing snow flakes shortly after.
You think of pumpkins and apple cider and Thanksgiving Day with your family and about how you should have worn a sweatshirt today.
Never would you think that a tree could kill you.
Today was the memorial service here on the campus of Grace College for freshman Mallori Kastner. She was buried yesterday in Wabash.
Last Friday, Mallori and her boyfriend Jeremy were by the lake laying in a hammock.
Apparently the roots of the tree were unstable and the tree fell on the two of them. Mallori died instantly while Jeremy was paralyzed from the neck down. He was airlifted to Fort Wayne and is still there now, though he is alert and is able to move his head. While it is a tragedy that Mallori is dead, I mourn not only for her family and friend but for Jeremy in particular. After he was roused from a surgery on Sunday morning, his parents turned on the radio. The dj was the one to break the news to him that Mallori, his girlfriend, had died. What a terrible way to find something like that out.I can't even imagine something like that. I would be utterly crushed and devastated.
Please, pray for Mallori's parents and for Jeremy's physical and emotional recovery.

it was definitely a case of my wishful thinking...

he is just chivalrous.
it had nothing to do with me or interest in me.
at all.
because when we were playing apples to apples this evening, josiah gave his hoodie to another girl.
i know im reading way into the circumstances, because it was freezing in the sub shop today.
but i felt my stomach drop into my toes when he handed her his jacket.
the same jacket i wore...
it was chivalry.
it was courtesy.
it was nobility.
nothing more than that.
how could i ever think a guy like him would be interested in a girl like me?
after writing all kinds of papers this week, my brain must be fried...

Apples to Apples...

so.
earlier today, i saw an ad on facebook for the game Apples to Apples.
i have never played this game before but almost all my friends love it.
i posted as a status that i 'really want to learn how to play Apples to Apples!!!!!!'
as if in immediate response to this, i notice that i have a message notification.
i click on it thinking, oh, its just Tasha.
but instead, it is from josiah for my whole breakout group...
and it says 'Hey guys,
So in order to give our group so more chance for bonding, I was thinking we could play Apples to Apples Monday at 7 pm at the sub shop. Let me know if you are interested in doing that.'
i was very happy to say the least.
then i realized that i have class from 6-9 on mondays.
boo.
so i replied 'i so wish i could, but i have class. :('
his reply, 'oh ok, how about 9?'
he changed the plans to accomodate me...
is this a good thing?
no matter what, i am still going.
i still want to learn how to play this game that i have heard so much about...
any thoughts on this?

Stagnant...

ugh.
life is completely static right now.
not moving forward and certainly not going back.
i dont like this at all.
i keep staring at my phone and wanting it to show a number that i havent seen yet, with a text that says 'hey, its josiah. wanna hang out?'
just the way he says my name in class gets to me.
sad isn't it?
i would love to have one thing go right in my life.
that would be more fantastic than i could imagine.
oh well... doesn't look like that is going to happen any time soon.

Well, nevermind...

his reply:
Yeah I wouldn't mind a break from homework sometime. Maybe we can invite other people from our Break-out group and play apples to apples at the sub shop sometime. How's that sound?

meaning that he doesnt want to hang out with just me.
he wants to have other people there.
how sad is this?

My Stomach is in Knots...

i am really nauseous.
i only ate a lil bit of mac and cheese today and a granola bar.
i almost regret sending that message last night.
the anticipation is practically gnawing away at my nerves.
yup, that is right.
i took a risk last night and messaged josiah.
did it work?
no reply as of this moment...
i did give him my number tho...
maybe later...
but...
here is what i said:
So. You are cool. I can be cool too. Sometimes. :) We should get to know each other. Maybe. If you want to. Because I do. And I feel like I am babbling right now. I do that when I am nervous. Hopefully it will be seen as endearing rather than idiotic. :D Anyway. Um, if you need a break from studying... My number is 5743601540. :D
was it cheesy and lame?
pretty much yeah.
but if it gets me somewhere, who am i to complain?
i would really love some 'confidence in a box' from walmart right now...
:(

I Wanna Learn With You...

so.
my roommate, Ashley, and i were listening to her ipod in our room before she had to go to work.
this song came on:
How to Fall by Josh Wilson.
if you have not heard this, go listen to it.
NOW.
it describes my situation right now.
i love it.

Lyrics time now!!


It was prettier than poetry
The first time you said hello to me
Call it crazy, call it meant to be, yeah
But it didn’t take me long to see

That you mean more than anyone

I’m running in circles, jumping over hurdles
Working on a song to sing
I want to tell you how I’m feeling
Finding it hard to do
Cause I don’t know how to say it, don’t know how you’ll take it
Don’t know how to fall in love
But I want to learn with you

My friends say I should take it slow
But my dad says when you know, you know
So maybe I’ll just rent a car
And I’ll drive right back to where you are

Cause you mean more than anything

I never thought I’d drop my guard
Then you broke into my clumsy heart

A Sign...

it was selfish.
and stupid.
but i did it anyway because i am human.
i actually prayed for a sign.
a sign to tell me that who i wanted wasnt going to waste my time.
a sign telling me that who i was falling for wasnt a bad choice.
i think i got my sign.
maybe. or was it wishful thinking?
i will never ever know.
i would like to believe that i got a good sign.
but it is so hard to tell with something like this...
anyways, what happened was that i fell for my breakout group leader, josiah.
he is a junior majoring in psychology and he is gorgeous. and nice. and sweet. and a Christian guy. which makes him, in a word, perfect.
so yesterday was a little thing called 'The Hike.' it wasnt a hike but all the freshmen have to do a scavenger hunt around campus, make cardboard boats, and become team players with their breakout groups.
after the scavenger hunt we went to eat dinner. here is where i prayed for a sign, a billboard letting me know that taking a risk would be worth it this time. i prayed so selfishly. it was terrible. after dinner, we headed down to the lake and it was misting and i freeze VERY easily. this may be a bad thing at times, but yesterday it was ultimately a good thing.
on the way to the lake, i was walking with josiah and shivering. he asked me if i wanted his jacket. i felt like such a jerk but i was so cold my hands were turning purple. 'are you sure you don't need it? it might start raining any second' i said.
'yeah im sure. here.' he said and unzipped it and handed it to me.
needless to say i was warm on the inside as well as the outside.
he didnt ask for it back. but i returned it later cuz i didnt want to be a thief. after my suitemate joy and i went to watch toy story 3, i came back to my room and thanked him on facebook. if you want to read it, look it up. is that flirting or is it just me who sees that?
so. maybe this will go somewhere. maybe not. i have no way of knowing.
and i hate uncertainty.
grr.
but also
yay!

a new path....

i am an official college student and am in the second week of life on campus.
its a huge change but i love it.
i love that im at a Christian school.
we actually get to pray in class!!!!!
and chapel is muy fantastico.
i wish it was everyday.
and i met a boy.
who only knows i exist because he is my freshman breakout group leader.
hes a junior.
i fall for the guys i cant have.
lame.
oh well.
more homework to do!