Promises, promises...

promises range from very simple to exceedingly complicated.
something as significant as a parent promising that they will be at their childs' soccer game. to a child that is everything.
or a simple promise like a friend promising to talk to the very next day.
a promise is meant to be kept. people wouldnt make them if they were meant to be broken. why would someone deliberately make a promise and then go back on their word?
it makes no sense.
but yet there are people out there who do this.
there are people with good intentions out there, of course. those people are hard to find. how do you know if their intentions are good or not?
one cant know for sure.
trust in a person is a delicate thing.
i completely and utterly trusted someone to not let me down. i care so much for this person and i believed that he cared about me too. i guess i was wrong. i can understand breaking a promise once. but flaking out on someone three times? rather sad.
i sit here by my phone and glare at it, wish with all the might of a hurricane that it will ring and be the one who promised he wouldn't let me down.

Half of My Heart...

i went to the open band rehearsal last night.
that was probably a mistake for two reasons:

1.) i miss it so so SOOOOOOOOOO much. i really almost cried. i am never going to get to do that again. it was very heartbreaking.

2.) i saw you there. i saw you with her and felt half of my heart smile to see you looking that happy, your hand in hers. the other half of my heart cracked and shattered to the pavement because i knew i could make you happier, that i was the one who was supposed to be in her place. but you know what i did? i took a deep breath and faked some smiles like i always do. i laughed and hid behind my sunglasses because i couldnt face the questions that i knew people would ask if they saw me burst out in uncontrollable tears. normally i wait until i am at home for that part. half of my heart wanted to tell you that i wanted nothing more than for you to be happy and to hug you like friends do, but that part of my heart would have been lying. i want you to be with me more than i want you to be happy with her. so i sit here and type this and try to convince myself that distancing myself from you will be for the best. so far it isnt working. every time my phone rings, i desperately hope that its you, calling me. i would kill to hear your voice right now. but i know i cant.

p.s. the lyrics to 'Untouchable' by Taylor Swift. i love this song.

Untouchable like a distant diamond sky
I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why
I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you
Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
And when you're close, I feel like coming undone
In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, come on, little taste of heaven
It's half full and I won't wait here all day
I know you're saying that you'd be here anyway
But you're untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
Now that you're close, I feel like coming undone
In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, come on, oh
In the middle of the night waking from this dream
I wanna feel you by my side, standing next to me
You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, come on, little taste of heaven
I'm caught up in you
Oh, oh, oh
But your untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
Now that you're close, I feel like coming undone
In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, come on, oh
In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, come on, come on
In the middle of the night waking from this dream
I wanna feel you by my side, standing next to me
You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, come on, little taste of heaven
And in the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on, come on, come on
Come on, come on, oh, oh, oh
Like a million little stars spelling out your name
They're spelling out your name, oh

Costumes and Masks...

everyday i wake up and put on a costume.
i should win an oscar. really.
the costume makes the character right?
the other day i went to the mall with some of my friends. my costume that day was short shorts and a purple tank top. i chose those because i knew the others would be wearing relatively the same thing. was i right in thinking this? of course i was. i put on my costume and felt completely out of place. that wasnt me. was it? i cant tell anymore. i hated that costume because i knew i didnt belong in it. i knew that i didnt look like the others. all i wanted was to slip into the group, feel like i belonged there. i didnt.
today i woke up and put on modest jean shorts and a tee shirt. i am humble here at home. partly because i have two secrets to hide from family members who would disinherit me were they to find out about them. just another costume.
even getting into the car to go to the grocery store, i have to change again. another costume. one that will maybe get me noticed. does it ever? no. do i try my hardest? sadly yes. when this happens i feel that little spark of green flair up inside my chest, that spark the never is completely blown out. the spark is hot and tinged green. bet you can guess what it is.