One Chance...

just once i would LOVE to have a chance.
a chance to prove myself.
a chance to show people that even tho im not perfect by myself, i can be perfect for them.
a chance to make them love me.
will i ever get a chance like that? no.
im not that lucky.
everytime i see a chance, an open door, it gets slammed in my face, and boarded up.
just once i would like to show that im not invisible.
i could have sworn that i saw a crack in the wall just big enough for me to slip thru.
but that was sealed up before i could get in.
nothing ever works out for me.
ever.
i see this beautiful ray of sunlight and then in a blink of the eye, its gone, covered by a bleak gray cloud.
is there anything i can do?
if there is i have no idea what it is.

Love Looks Not With the Eyes...

but with the mind....
this line is from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream", spoken by Helena.
i love this play. it is my favorite Shakespeare play.
but thats not always true is it?
no. no matter what some people say, the very first thing anybody notices about anyone else is their looks.
if you like a person's looks, then you are more likely to get to know them.
today's society is all about the physical appearance.
and thats all people notice.
if somebody passes you when you go into walmart and just keeps walking, they didnt notice you no matter how hard you wish they would.
i would kill to be pretty, fix the imperfections.
i wish appearances were contagious like an illness, so that i could be pretty like every single one of my friends.
sad and pathetic right?
and i know no matter how much my awesome friends tell me im pretty, i wont believe it.
i cant believe it because the mirror and the scale tell me otherwise...

HELP!!!!!

ok, so at my brother's bullriding thing where he goes to practice, there is this guy named Brandon.
i know his first name and that he is a bullrider.
o and that he is very very attractive.
i wish i knew if he was single.
i wish i could just walk up to him and be like 'hey, i think you're cute.'
but that is way beyond my conversational capacity.
i freeze whenever i am in close proximity to an attractive member of the opposite sex.
it is so very ridiculous.
i can make eye contact and smile. that is supposed to be the invitation to come talk to me.
hasnt happened.
dont think it will happen because i am such a wimp.
if i could change two things about myself they would be: 1.) make myself skinny and 2.) make myself able to talk to boys without screwing up.
its not going to happen.
but...
any advice?
muchas gracias.

Silly Fantasy...

so my mom and her bf have been planning on getting married for, like, 3 years.
she is such a procrastinator.
my mom and i have been collecting Brides magazines.
i buy the new one every month.
its so fun to sit down with my mom and just flip through the pages and pages of white dresses.
is it so silly that i 19 year old girl is planning her never-wedding?
i think no. :)
i know (relatively) what style of dress i want.
i know what kind of ring i want. (altho if some guy actually proposed, i would take a plastic ring from a claw machine. lol)
colors are still a debate. (possibly emerald green and cerulean? or a bright, sunny yellow and a sparkly silver? the debate still rages!)
i want a five tier, multi-flavored cake. (one tier will be red velvet. no compromises on this one.
i want a medium-sized wedding with family and friends and nobody that i dont like.
i want a wedding somewhere non-traditional, but with a traditional service.
i have my first dance song already picked out. (i've had it since freshman year. one listen and i knew it would be the one i wanted to dance with my 'possible' to.)
its so unrealistic, but i love tearing out pages from magazines and keeping them in my purple wedding folder.
just dreaming about it makes my head feel light.
its a silly fantasy, but its MY silly fantasy.

My First Kiss Went A Little Like This.....

:D
i am obsessed with the song "My First Kiss" by 3oh!3. :)
so, i am going to tell the story of my first kiss.

it was towards the end of 8th grade.
my bf then was in the band and it was the night of the spring concert.
he had told me that i didnt have to come to concert but i went anyway.
the gym was hot and crowded.
he had no idea i was there though i tried to catch his eye throughout the whole thing.
after the concert, the band was released and he was swallowed up by the swarm of people that moved to exit the gym.
he never saw me as i slipped my hand into his and gave his fingers a squeeze.
his whole face lit up when he saw it was me.
"where did you come from?" he asked with a silly grin on his face.
"i've been here for the whole concert. you didnt see me?"
he laughed and shook his head.
the band moved toward the band room and still we held hands thru the whole evening.
my mom came to pick me up and he walked me out to the front of the school.
we were the only ones out there that night.
the stars above us were beautiful, like little sprinkles on a navy blue cupcake.
he squeezed my hand and pulled me towards him.
he kissed me so softly and sweetly, that i will never forget that moment for as long as i live.
ever since then i have longed for the same feeling that he gave me.
i dont think i will ever find it...

Lights...

some people say that when you have a near-death experience, your life flashes before your eyes.
my dad, brother and i were on our way back from taking one of michael's friends home after leaving michigan. it was about 11:30 at night and we were less than a mile from our house.
i was in the front seat, acting goofy like i normally do when i am so tired that all i can do is laugh. but i was alert enough to see the deer's eyes flash in the glow of our headlights. i pointed and my dad slowed down. it just stood there for a moment. as we went to drive past it, it just ran into the road. we couldn't avoid it. we hit it with the center of the front of the car. it tried to get away but fell and was stuck in the front tire on my side of the car. i didnt scream but i moved to cover my face. it didnt work. i watched the deer's body get slammed into the ground and thought for sure that we were going to run off the road. but thats not all i caught sight of. i could fireflies dancing in the cornfield and the stars twinkling above us in a mirror reflection of the fireflies. i saw lights all around. the glare from the car's headlamps shining back from the reflectors on the road. it was so crazy and it scared me half to death. my fingers shake as i type this.

You and Me Got Lost Somewhere....

he used to be my best guy friend.
i could talk to him about anything and everything and he would always be honest.
we would talk basically everyday.
now, its all different.
he's with her and i think that because of her, he is different.
and because of Promises, promises.
he used to love me.
or at least thats what he said.
i think that maybe he was just in love with the idea of love.
he wrote me a 101 Reasons Why I Am Amazing list.
he wanted to be with me when i wasnt sure of where my life was heading.
i was denying everything back then.
now, its all different.
i saw them together the other day as i pulled into dollar general.
i ducked down and pretended to be digging in my purse.
facing them together like that would have been torture.
i was greatly relieved that he didnt see me, and also a little shattered too.
how could such a great friendship come to that?
i know why i felt that way now.
i asked my sissy why i couldnt look at his name without feeling sad.
she told me, quite simply, "because you love him."
well, of course i do.
he was my best friend.
now, i dont want to even text him for fear that he is with her.
i envy her and wish it was me holding his hand.
but that cant be. ever.
wanna know how i know this?
because i asked him point blank.
no matter what i do, it wont change things. ever.
we got lost somewhere and cant find our way back....
if you can find your way to me, i will be waiting.

Rambling...

i definitely have nothing to talk about.
but i am bored.
so i am going to ramble.
when i went out with sarah and crysania, i bought a cupcake cookbook. my mom laughed at me because my first cookbook was all about cupcakes.
it had recipes for different kinds of cupcakes (like Pink Lemonade and Chocolate Chip) and it showed you how to decorate different things. there were instructions for how to make a hedge-hog and a moose and a fish and a mouse and a turtle. i want a cupcake day just to make cupcakes! :)

o and the blog i wrote about promises? sometimes they turn out for the best....

hmmm. what else? i am addicted to Cafe World on facebook. its pretty ridiculous.

ummm.....wow. im boring.
ok, bye! :)

Destruction and Redemption

wow.
church this morning was amazing.
my pastor preached about the 7 Trumpets in Revelation.
Revelations, as a whole, is a story, not about the destruction of humanity, but of the redemption that lies in God. we, as His followers, must have faith that for all the crap we have to done to earn ourselves a hole in the pits of Hell has been forgiven as long as we place our faith in Him.
intense isn't it?
but finding hope in a sea of death and destruction isnt the easiest thing to do is it?
no, not really.
but it can happen.
so, hope lies in a person's redemption. if you are not redeemed, do you have anything to look forward to when the whole earth crumbles around you? nope.
but for those who have been forgiven and who have belief in the One True King, then all's well that ends well. kinda amazing, huh?
after the message, we sang a song: "I Give You My Heart" by Hillsong.
i havent felt so in touch with my Savior in so long as when i sang that.
i sang with passion in my voice and it made me feel alive.
incredible.

here are the lyrics.
This is my desire
To honour You
Lord, with all my heart
I worship You
All I have within me
I give You praise
All that I adore
Is in You

Lord, I give You my heart
I give You my song
I live for you alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have Your ways in me


so simple and still so powerful.