how can life be so unfair sometimes?
i just dont understand.
a person can try to make all the right decisions and follow the right steps and still end up with less than they deserve.
it is not fair that the people that make the wrong decisions still seem to come out on top, being all happy and everything and you sit there and wonder what went wrong for you.
you cant stop your mind from contemplating whether there is actually something wrong with you or not.
and you never get an answer, do you?
i know i never have.
i always wonder what is wrong with me.
everybody will tell me im wrong.
don't do that.
it is irritating.
i like to be told the truth, even if it really does hurt, even though that is a little masochistic.
i say all of this because sooooo many people that i know are changing their relationships from single to with somebody.
i want to know why i cant, why i have to sit here and feel bad for myself.
could somebody just explain to me how you can have a relationship with someone without ever actually meeting them?
that would be great to know.
I think that the main point that needs to be addressed is that you don't need a guy, Megan. I don't have any guys in my life right now, and I'm completely fine with that. When you're constantly looking for someone, you'll constantly be disappointed. Great things take time. I know how irritating it is when some people seem to get everything that they want so easily, or how some people have the choice of any guy, but that's their lives, and not ours. Don't compare your relationship status, or anything else about you life to other people's, because you'll never have the same life as anyone else. That's what makes things wonderful though. Try to just enjoy school right now, and your new friends and your new experiences. Everyday will be different, and you just need to accept that we all get our turns at different opportunities at different given times. That doesn't mean that you should stop making the "right decisions" that you're refering to though, because making those decisions causes good changes in other people's lives, too. Just be you, and accept that life will take its course, and you'll get what you deserve.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is that I have been so alone since my sophomore year. Even before that I have been alone. There is a part in one of my favorite movies (My Best Friend's Wedding) where Julianne is chasing after Michael who is chasing after Kim. Julianne wants Michael who is engaged to Kim. Julianne is later talking with her boss who tells her 'Who's chasing you? Nobody. Get it! There's your answer.' I am full of self-pity. And I deserve it. I deserve to let myself feel bad for the things I can't have. And I have realized that I want the relationship more than I want the actual person. I want to be able to walk across campus, holding hands with somebody I love. Don't I deserve that? I did enjoy being single when it was new. But not anymore. I am constantly really really depressed because of the ever-present thought that I am going to die old and alone. And another thing, I am always me. I don't try to be something I'm not. I know I used to do that in high school, but I stopped when I came here. I laugh like a horse and I cry at Moulin Rouge and I dress the way I want and eat when I get hungry. It doesn't matter what people think of me anymore unless it is something that I am not. I'm always me and I wonder if i did get what I deserved: loneliness.
ReplyDeleteIf you put it in your head that you deserve to be lonely, than you will be. Mind over matter, Megan.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I am getting what I deserve even though I don't know why I deserve it. I want to be proven wrong though. I want somebody to take my hand and tell me I am not going to be alone forever, that I am not going to die surrounded by my cats. And I would prefer this someone to be of the male species, because I just don't swing that way. Anyways.
ReplyDelete